I have just found out, to start a zoo, you need 2 pandas, 2 grizzlies, 3 polars and a koala.

They have little patients

Women mature faster than men because women get boobs at 13 and men get them at 45

"You blew me away!"

Two guys watching a flint Michigan basketball game. One guy says “man this Flint team is really good, what are they putting in the water over there?” The other guy says “lead”.

What do you call an incarcerated illegal immigrant while they’re in the states? Locked in alien.

I was walking through the pet care department at Walmart today. There was an associate stocking kitty litter on the top shelf. He tried to move a 25-pound bag so he could put another one next to it but couldn't so he got a stepladder. It was a litter out of reach.

Because they make up everything.

I said young man there’s no need to feel down

St. Peter is at the Pearly Gates greeting the recently departed. He asks the first man he greets whether he has been faithful to his wife, and the man answers truthfully, "Yes, I never cheated on my wife or even thought of doing so." St. Peter goes through his records and verifies that this is indeed the case, so he tells the man, "Congratulations, you get to go to Heaven in a Rolls Royce." Next, another man comes to the gate and tells him, "Well I did cheat on my wife a couple of times, but we made up both times and we remained happily married in spite of my infractions." Once again, St. Peter goes through his records and verifies this, so he tells the man, "Very well, you get to go to Heaven in a Chevrolet." The third man in like tell St. Peter, "I must confess that I constantly cheated on my wife without ever telling her about it." St. Peter goes through his records once again, verifying that the man had in fact cheated a total of 127 times, so he tells the man, "You need to take a scooter." Disappointed, but accepting his fate, he begins his slow drive to Heaven. After an hour or so, he sees the first man sitting outside his Rolls Royce, disconsolate. He stops his scooter and asks him what's the matter. The man then tells him, "I just saw my wife going by on roller skates!"